13 Days of Halloween, 13 Wicked Albums: Day 9

Venom
Black Metal (1982)
Do you believe in god?
He's chained up like a dog
And every hour he screams,
"Satan rules supreme!"

Before there was Slayer, Possessed, Mayhem, or any of the other 'devil-worshiping' bands that forged their own infernal genres, there was Venom. In 1981 they burst onto the scene with Welcome to Hell, an album full of raucous music with the most blasphemous, Satanic lyrics the world had yet to see. The follow-up record, Black Metal, amped up the darkness and irreverence and has become a classic in extreme metal, inspiring countless musicians since its release, and even being inducted into Robert Dimery's list of 1001 Albums You Must Hear Before You Die.

I would have to classify Black Metal as one of those albums that's so shamelessly bad that it's good. The songs are raw and simplistic, the musicianship is sloppy, and the lyrics are so ridiculously over-the-top with the Satanism gimmick that it almost comes across as a parody of itself. Mantas uses his guitar more as a weapon than an instrument as he fires off noisy and imprecise riffs through a murky, reverb-coated tone. Cronos belts out the vocals with an unmistakable, acidic, and gravelly voice, while hammering away on his distorted bass as if it's another guitar. Abaddon haphazardly assaults his drums like he's trying to bash in the skull of an angel. Furthermore, despite the album name, Venom plays music that's more like speed metal or NWOBHM (New Wave of British Heavy Metal). With the typical lo-fi production of black metal, plus the blistering aggression of the songs, flaws are easily overlooked. But imagine a slightly out of tune, occasionally off time rendition of Judas Priest, cranked up in speed and featuring a vocalist who doesn't really sing as much as he yells... and then you'll begin to get the picture.

If Venom had taken themselves seriously, this album probably would have been little more than a laughable footnote in history. What makes this work is the fact that the band is clearly quite aware of how they sound, and it seems to have been their intention all along to do something shocking, controversial, and downright ugly in so many senses of the word. How else would the devil's music sound, anyway? The strength of Black Metal is its confidently defiant attitude. The energy and atmosphere don't make it easy to ignore the flaws, but actually make you appreciate the flaws. The unrestrained intensity of the music practically guarantees that flubs will be part of the process. Those who say chaos is beautiful do not mean that it's orderly or perfect. Rather, to borrow the common phrase, it's only perfect in its imperfection.

The songs on Black Metal are infectious, great for headbanging, and absurdly fun. The best known track is the fantastically catchy "Countess Bathory," written about the Hungarian noblewoman who was rumored to have tortured and murdered young girls, bathing in their blood to preserve her beauty (the 'bloody countess' has been the subject of many metal songs and albums over the years). "Buried Alive" is like a lumbering zombie, quietly awakening at first, breaking out of the grave, and plodding along into the next song, "Raise the Dead," which is an upbeat ode to necromancy. As one might expect, "Sacrifice" details a story of virgin sacrifice to the dark lord, and "Don't Burn the Witch" is about... well, sparing witches from persecution. By far the oddest track is "Teacher's Pet" - a nice and vulgar little fantasy that makes Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher" seem like gospel music.

I must confess: Venom is one of my favorite bands and Black Metal is one of my favorite albums. I can't pretend to be unbiased, and perhaps my background has influenced my strange love for defiantly blasphemous things, but since this is a list of the most wicked horror-themed albums, I think the bias is no impediment. Black Metal will get your blood pumping, your head banging, your hand raising the horns, and your Christian friends and family will be screaming and convulsing on the floor as the mighty power of His Satanic Majesty overcomes them. Well, ok, maybe not that last bit, but if you're looking for evil and darkness for Halloween, you can't go wrong with this classic metal album.

"Hell is for Real"

As much as I love books, I never fail to find that there are usually some absolutely ridiculous titles topping the bestseller charts. One of these atrocities that I've recently become aware of is Heaven is for Real, which is currently at #5 on Amazon. The subtitle is A Little Boy's Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back, and you can guess what the book is about based on that. An 11-year old boy comes out of surgery talking about his near-death experience that supposedly transported him to heaven. The synopsis boasts of mysterious knowledge the boy was 'never told,' such as the fact of him having a miscarried sister, or the details of his grandfather who died before his birth. It always amazes me how people will bite that line of garbage hook, line, and sinker. Of course, Heaven is for Real is written by the boy's father - who also happens to be a pastor - so it can hardly be called an eyewitness testimony (as if an 11-year old's testimony of Santa's workshop would be credible) or an unbiased account.

However, something else strikes me about these sorts of stories too: they're pure sugar-coated fluff. They're an inspirational serving of gullibility for people who are already believing and looking to feed their appetite. By no means are these even meant to be serious proposals for the existence of a supernatural realm. How can I be so sure? Because the premise betrays it.

Imagine if a book were published under the title, Hell is for Real: A Little Boy's Terrifying Story of His Trip to Hell and Back. In this story, we read about an 11-year old's encounter with demons who torture his heathen relatives in unspeakable ways. You can be sure that such a book would not sell, but would widely be denounced as extreme and horrendous. More importantly, though, I don't think that Hell is for Real could even exist in the first place, because all Christian parents seem to reinforce the belief that children go to heaven, and believers in general like to affirm the certainty of their destination in god's kingdom. No one who believes in heaven seems to think they could end up in hell. Hell is for 'them,' not us.

Although it once held powerful sway, Dante's vision of hell is no longer considered authentic by most Christians. Yet when an 11-year old boy says he went to heaven, it's taken seriously enough to create a bestselling book. I don't like to seem jaded, but I can sooner believe that the reason is to cash-in on a heart warming story than to report what these dolts actually think is a real vision of the afterlife. Anyone who claims that god saves little children should read 2 Kings 2:23-24, wherein 42 kids are torn to bits by two bears for mocking one of god's precious prophets. Is it really that unthinkable that an 11-year old could end up in hell instead of heaven? To these people, it is, because they want sugar-coated fluff that reassures them, not what might scare the living daylights out of them.

Perhaps this is why Christians apparently never consider their own alternatives when they jump to pose Pascal's Wager. Faith blinds their minds to the possibility of being wrong. Hell is useful as a conversion tool these days, but afterward it is often dismissed. The era of fire and brimstone preaching is over, replaced now by the feel-good, warm fuzzy nonsense of Joel Osteen and company. This is how a book like Heaven is for Real betrays its own worthlessness. That the active imagination of an 11-year old boy, which has more than likely been cued by his Christian parents, can be treated with the respect and attention that this book has received is a sad statement about the lack of critical thinking and skepticism in our world. As some have said before, many of us appear to just believe in belief, and when we set our own terms like that, we obviously prefer to belief what makes us most comfortable.